URBANA— “Nobody talks about death” was one of the first things said in the sharing circle at Death Cafe.
On Monday evening, the Urbana Free Library hosted a public conversation focused on death, the first in a few years in the Champaign- Urbana area.
Death Cafes are facilitated discussions where people can talk about loss, grief and anything else that may come up.
A group of about 30 people – old, young and in between – sat in a circle to talk about all these things. Facilitator Melanie Sheckels has hosted death cafes on and off in the community for about eight years.
“There was a real need for people to have spaces to have conversations about death and dying, so that they could make better informed choices in their care,” she said. “And that really there wasn’t any other container for that.”
Through laughter, tears and a few floral napkins used as tissues, one-by-one everyone in the group introduced themselves, discussed what brought them to the event and what they were hoping to get out of it.
Some said they had lost loved ones and wanted to process it. Others wanted to learn how to support those who are grieving.
The most common thread woven through every reason was simply the desire to have these tough conversations.
Betty Kennerly and Gianna Casanova, both undergraduates at the University of Illinois, attended the event together with zero expectations.
Towards the end of the discussion, Kennerly shared that she had experienced a big loss in her life recently that has impacted her family greatly.
“I knew it was going to be interesting, but I didn’t expect to be, I don’t know, so emotional and touched by every single person in that room,” she said. “I’m definitely going to come back because -wow, that helped something.”
Casanova, who sent Kennerly the poster earlier that day, said she was amazed how attentively everyone listened to one another.
“It didn’t feel like there was a single moment where the word words coming out of someone’s mouth were not like all ears to everyone in the room,” she said. “It was awesome.”
A few people in the room said they attended the discussion, because they encounter tragedies regularly, either through work, seeing death on the news, or through their own personal losses.
Rebecca Wiggins is a master’s student in social work at U of I. She said she came to the event because death is one of the few constants in everyone’s lives and knows at some point in her work, she’s going to need to know how to deal with grieving people.
“I feel like so much was shared that was so beautiful and so heavy but somehow the room felt light,” Wiggins added. “Everyone came together and supported each other, and I think it was a really beautiful experience.”
There were also many people who have experience being birth and death doulas or interested in being one. Doulas are individuals who provide beginning of life or end of life care in the form of emotional, spiritual, physical and informational support.
Melanie, the group’s facilitator, said that although there was interest from individuals in the group in learning how to become a death doula, her goals for these discussions are much more broad.
“My dream for this work is that every community, every family, every friend group has someone who feels like they can confidently companion someone through the end of life or through grief,” she said.
Melanie said that each conversation she facilitates is different.
“You know, one subject that came up in this group was that grief is medicine, and that death and grief aren’t inherently traumatic, that they can be,” she said. “But there’s also a sense that there’s medicine when we hold it together, and I hope that we can cultivate a momentum of that kind of energy in Champaign Urbana.”
The group plans to meet every third Monday of the month in the Urbana Free Library.